Dear diary

流年似锦

I say to you,my friend

i said to one of my friends that it takes so much courage to learn to like,even love oneself.
she simply replied"yes", and then she told me when she was a school girl,she disliked herself so much that she even thought about suicide.
"and you know what?" she said,after a short period of silence,"even now,i still can not like myself.i even don't know how to try."
i watched the screen of notebook for quite a while,still had no idea about how to console her.

i said they're all saying 'there are so many beautiful bodies,while interesting souls are so few," i said,"either i'm a boring guy,or they are lying."
she laughed,and said "of course they're lying,you little sweet fool."
i changed the topic.

recently i just can't help recalling something,and some people.i dreamed that when things  hadn't gone that bad,i stood before her,looking into her eyes with sadness full of my heart.but eventually,i still said nothing.
no hug,no talk,no greeting.
i dare not to do that even in my dreams.
all i dare to ask for seems just standing before her,looking into her eyes,once again.
maybe that's already enough.

i said to you,my friend
so even we face difficulty of today and tomorrow
i still have a dream
it is a dream deeply rooted in my heart
i have a dream that one day we can love,ourselves and people we truly love,without the consideration or the pressure of reality
i have a dream that one day we can be free,everyone can live a life whatever he likes,without the orders or the criticism from others
i have a dream that one day we can survive without sacrificing so much things we cherish
and when this happens,all of the God's children,male or female,young or old,will sing the words of an old spiritual
Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty,we are free at last!

流年似锦

sometimes ever,sometimes never

my mother texted me:when she get married,send her a gift in the name of mine.
she said,you two may never see each other again.I stared at this message for quite a while,and thought why every relation i was once in all ended like this. i could tell others it's the distance,the time,the age that separated us,but,my friend,one could never lie to his own heart.it's not their faults but mine.
i was quite desperate when that idea came into my mind.

i said:so i guess you will always be in the place which is northern to rivers and southern to mountains.she did not reply but changed the topic.

sometimes never,but not sometimes ever.

i tell others again and again that i deserve everything i suffer today.
i really mean it.

i read a short fairy tale written by Oscar Wild last week.it's a "moral story",telling a guy who never knew how to recognize whether a man is a friend and how to refused others.people we reading together with all got angry by the miller and thought the boy was stupid.it's a little complex when you thought finally there was a chapter worthy being talked about while others all expressed things you can't understand.i just lost my desire and kept silent.
then i thought it's not that bad as i once had thought,at the very least none of them suffered what i once did.
may happiness be with them,forever.

i now think that,compared with me, you must have looked deeper into my soul,that's the reason why you all chose to leave.

after 4 years so called high-education and so much reading,i believe in destiny more and more and if that's mine,i accept it.
after all,i deserve everything i suffer today.
and i really mean it.