{书信/Dear Yuan}

GBM

终于可以坦然面对的过去 这算是我生命中最重要的东西之一了吧
邮箱里显示接收的时间是Fri, 16 Sep 2005 15:00:54  
好像过了很久很久一样
我们 都好了吧

Dear Yuan,
     I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to write you back.  Ashley and I were in California for several weeks, visiting my grandmother and other family members.  Once we returned to Seattle, we were very busy getting settled into life again, but things are pretty much back to normal.
     I am so glad that you wrote.  I'm sorry to hear that you are having some difficulties with your family.  I think that sometimes it is true that married people quarrel.  It is not true for everyone and all marriages are not full of quarrels, but my parents quarreled very much when I was a young girl.  I think the reason for this is that it can be very difficult for two individuals with different ideas and feelings and beliefs about the world to live together without ever disagreeing.  Sometimes people have difficulty talking about their different thoughts without getting angry.  It does not mean that they do not love each other.  One reason people may say that "quarreling shows that they care" is because if someone doesn't care at all, they wouldn't get angry--they wouldn't even think about a problem because it wouldn't matter to them.  Sometimes anger does happen because people care very much, but don't know how to fix a problem.  
     When people have been acting the same way with each other for many years, they become very comfortable with it and it becomes very difficult for them to change.  If your parents have spent many years fighting with each other, it would hard for them to stop, even if they wanted to.  For people who quarrel, the bittersweet moments of apologizing and making up with each other can be addicting, the only way they know to share their love, and they may even seek quarrels to experience the tender moments of forgiveness!  It may seem very strange, but if this is what they have done for many years, it may be what they know best and even prefer.  
     I think that you may tell them that it makes you feel very sad and frustrated, but I don't think that you should encourage them to get a divorce or try to change them--  I think that you will only be disappointed.  It is hard to understand love relationships, but impossible to change them unless you are one of the two people involved.  Also, because you are their child, they may not appreciate being told how to act and may be upset with you.  You should tell them how it makes you feel, but don't tell them what you think they should do.  I told you that my parents quarreled a lot.  It really bothered me as a child and I would try very hard to keep them from fighting.  Eventually, I realized that the only person I could change is myself.  I decided that I had no control over what my parents did, but I had control over my own life.  I promised myself that I would not be like them when I got married.  That can be more difficult than it sounds, because people often do what they saw their parents do, because it is the only way they know how to act, but if you work at it and try to grow as a better person everyday, it is possible.  
      What I think may be best is for you to make sure that you are the kind of person that does not get into that cycle of fight, make up, fight, make up, fight, make up...  Make sure that you think about the things that you say to those you care about before you say them.  Try to solve problems or difficulties with friends without blaming them or belittling them.  Try to be a kind and forgiving person that listens to others without becoming instantly angry.  You are the only person that you can control, so make sure that you do your best at it!  It can be hard sometimes, but it makes your life much happier and more peaceful.   
     I'm sorry to hear that they are unhappy and I hope that they can find happiness with each other, but most of all, I hope that you are able to create a happy life for yourself because you are at a stage in your life where it is possible to control what happens and not be stuck in a years-long cycle.   
     Please write me and let me know how you are doing.  I really hope that you are having a great time with your friends at school and are not too distracted by your homelife.  Remember that your parents love you very much and want the best for you.  They may have a hard time with each other, but it does not mean that there is not love there.  I hope that you are doing well in school and are becoming confident in the life you are making for yourself as you mature.  Please take care of yourself and feel free to write me whenever you have the time.  Goodbye for now.
     Your friend,
     Katie